Confessions of a Drama Queen

It’s been nearly a month… a month filled with nearly 100 resume submissions, eating my pride and applying for food stamps, deep internal conflicts, and (surprisingly for me – a known drama queen) only 2 mini-meltdowns.

Today was one of those meltdowns. It wasn’t terrible.. more of gurgling from within.. I have to explain the internal conflicts in order to explain the origin of it though. Sunday after my husband lost his job I sat in church doing the usual dodge of the offering plate. This time I was telling God well before worship even thought about drawing to that point that I really couldn’t afford it since we were now living on one income. However, God said otherwise and I pulled out my check book for the first time in my adult life. I have been struggling with tithing for over a year and have always found an excuse (good ones even – well.. at least to me they were good) for not giving. This particular Sunday God slapped me across the face (yes, I’m aware that some people don’t have the face-slapping view of God that I have… I like to think that he does whatever he needs to in order to eventually get his point across) and told me that I had always said we weren’t able to afford giving him his 10%.. and now we were living off of less than ½ of what we were so he would make it work for me. All hesitation aside, I did put the check in the offering plate (my hand was probably shaking like a leaf when I did it.. that doesn’t matter though).

Then God did something wonderful (as if everything he does isn’t wonderful – yes, even the slaps). The sermon that morning was on Moses leading the Isrealites out of Egypt. I can’t tell you what the preacher’s exact words are but I can tell you that God spoke to me in a powerful way and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my God will provide for me.

So back to the meltdown. I’m balancing my checkbook and adding up figures and doing a little math dance and suddenly realize that without unemployment or food stamps (which apparently DFCS thinks we are rich because I make $50 more than the cutoff… sheesh!) I will not be able to pay our bills in February. Wow… that’s a scary thought whenever it’s actually said. I think I may have just had a heart palpitation. Hence my meltdown. BUT… God will provide for me! Somehow, somewhere, he already has a plan in motion to provide my family’s needs. Isn’t he awesome?

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Learning to Trust

July 17, 2008… I walked out of my office at 9:30am with my arms loaded down with personal belongings. Tossing an ivy plant, picture, and a few trinkets in my car I drove off and melted. As I got to my new apartment, I looked at the separation notice I had just signed and anger bubbled up. My boss had written that my job performance was substandard. Everyone at the office scoffed at it even – knowing that it was far from the truth. When she called me in for the meeting she told me to sit down and explained that we had never connected. She must have forgotten the monthly meetings where I came to her and asked her if she was upset at me or anything because of her attitude and seeming contempt directed at me.

July 24, 2008… I had a wonderful interview for a position that my sister had just vacated. I walked out feeling good and knowing that God has a plan for everything. I had been unhappy where I was. I knew I needed something else but had just been too scared to change it. This new company was where I needed to be.

July 25, 2008… I followed up from my interview the day before and learned of my job offer – PRAISE THE LORD! I celebrated by having lunch with Jon and running a few errands. 2 hours later I learned that we were pregnant. “Wow… Ok, God… what am I doing here?” I was excited but scared to death. The timing of everything was just a little too overwhelming.

I can look back at those 2 weeks now and be incredibly thankful for the events on July 17^th. I now have a wonderful family, a beautiful baby girl, and secure job. I am blessed beyond belief.

The past few weeks I have begun following several blogs. It started with a pregnancy blog, and then a menu planning blog, then a couponing blog, then a parenting blog… ok… maybe I just became obsessed. Haha. For about a week I have felt very strongly about creating one of my own. I had about a million reasons not to though… my grammar has gotten so terrible, I’m a drama queen, I don’t clip coupons regularly, I’m by no means a chef… what do I have to offer to anyone? I gave in on Monday and created one but battled all day about what to write. Tuesday I opened the blog up stared at the screen for a while. “I felt led to do this…. Why?”

November 16, 2010… I sat at work staring at my screen while Jon was home miserable with a sinus infection. He had been out of work for a few days since he was so bad sick and had been in contact with his supervisor everyday. Jon called me and told me he had been fired for ‘No call, no show.’ I guess his supervisor forgot or somehow didn’t get the message. Oh well… What is done is done and we will make it work. “Ok God, what’s the lesson or the good here?”

So here I sit. God, I know you wanted me to post a blog for a reason. Perhaps this will reach someone/anyone that is in need of encouragement.

Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Trusting,

Niki