It’s been nearly a month… a month filled with nearly 100 resume submissions, eating my pride and applying for food stamps, deep internal conflicts, and (surprisingly for me – a known drama queen) only 2 mini-meltdowns.
Today was one of those meltdowns. It wasn’t terrible.. more of gurgling from within.. I have to explain the internal conflicts in order to explain the origin of it though. Sunday after my husband lost his job I sat in church doing the usual dodge of the offering plate. This time I was telling God well before worship even thought about drawing to that point that I really couldn’t afford it since we were now living on one income. However, God said otherwise and I pulled out my check book for the first time in my adult life. I have been struggling with tithing for over a year and have always found an excuse (good ones even – well.. at least to me they were good) for not giving. This particular Sunday God slapped me across the face (yes, I’m aware that some people don’t have the face-slapping view of God that I have… I like to think that he does whatever he needs to in order to eventually get his point across) and told me that I had always said we weren’t able to afford giving him his 10%.. and now we were living off of less than ½ of what we were so he would make it work for me. All hesitation aside, I did put the check in the offering plate (my hand was probably shaking like a leaf when I did it.. that doesn’t matter though).
Then God did something wonderful (as if everything he does isn’t wonderful – yes, even the slaps). The sermon that morning was on Moses leading the Isrealites out of Egypt. I can’t tell you what the preacher’s exact words are but I can tell you that God spoke to me in a powerful way and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my God will provide for me.
So back to the meltdown. I’m balancing my checkbook and adding up figures and doing a little math dance and suddenly realize that without unemployment or food stamps (which apparently DFCS thinks we are rich because I make $50 more than the cutoff… sheesh!) I will not be able to pay our bills in February. Wow… that’s a scary thought whenever it’s actually said. I think I may have just had a heart palpitation. Hence my meltdown. BUT… God will provide for me! Somehow, somewhere, he already has a plan in motion to provide my family’s needs. Isn’t he awesome?
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
